By Raquel Alfaro & Lurene Heyl
Baltimore Watchdog Staff Writers
What this story covers
There are plenty of challenges in relationships. One that is often ignored: dealing with a person who is suffering from a mental health issue. How can partners be supportive?
Why it matters
A person’s mental health problem affects not only the individual but often his or her partner as well. Support from loved ones is often critical in helping someone who is suffering.
Skylar Moore, 23, went to the gym as she usually does on the morning of Nov. 9, 2019. Upon returning home, Moore fed her dogs, made her lunch and got ready with her boyfriend, Chris Malone, for a close friend’s wedding. This being Moore’s fourth wedding she attended this year, she had her dress and accessories planned out weeks in advance as she had to look stylish for the occasion.
Moore and Malone drove to the Eastern Shore of Maryland for the wedding. They danced and enjoyed each other’s company. It wasn’t until later that evening that Moore experienced an anxiety attack during the wedding reception. She started feeling symptoms of sweaty palms, fatigue and chest pains. There was no clear event that preceded the attack — which is common for people who suffer from anxiety. Malone stepped in immediately, taking the time to see what he could do. They ended up leaving early.
Moore posted an Instagram photo later that night, explaining what happened at the wedding reception with her caption that read:
“Little example on how social media can be incredibly misleading. From this picture, you’d think we had a great night full of drinks and dancing and family, but in reality I experienced massive social anxiety all night and eventually went home at 9. Not sure what brought it on. I started to feel a little anxious on our way out to the eastern shore but tried to brush it off (never a good idea). But by the time the reception rolled around, I was shaking, nauseous, and almost in a daze. I went out to the bathroom probably 5 times just so I could have a moment alone. I was clearly off (a few people told me I needed to start drinking or loosen up – so I was visibly shaken up). I ended up going home early. If you’ve experienced anything similar – I feel you. I get you. Your feelings are valid. Do what you need to do to feel better (for me, that was leaving and going home to a hot shower and alone time). Special shout out to Chris for always being patient and understanding when I’m struggling. I love you to the moon and back.”
She shared this post in order to bring more awareness to social anxiety and, she hoped, to spark a conversation with her followers about mental health issues and how to deal with them in relationships.
Moore, who lives in the Fells Point neighborhood in Baltimore, has struggled with mental health for years. It started toward the end of her senior year in high school, when she began to feel out of step with friends who were moving on to prestigious colleges. Moore also was dealing with her on-and-off relationship with her then-boyfriend — all while trying to find herself.
She found Malone through a dating website in October 2018 and they have been together ever since. While some of her past partners weren’t supportive of her during anxiety attacks and other instances in which she struggled with mental health, she said Malone has helped immensely.
“I have been with partners who were either unable or unwilling to even try to get where I was coming from,” Moore said. “That had a huge negative impact because there was a wedge between us. While my current partner doesn’t know what it is like to deal with issues personally, he tries to see where I’m coming from and help me in any way he can.”
Malone is one of many partners who are faced with the challenge of helping their loved one overcome mental health struggles. It’s an issue that often gets little attention when people talk about relationships. But it’s one that often presents itself early and often.
Being in a relationship with someone dealing with mental health can be a learning process for both partners. It takes patience, understanding, time and communication. Beth Katz, a clinical social therapist who works independently in Baltimore County, focuses primarily on individuals and couples. Katz said that being in a romantic relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression affects people in various ways. She uses certain techniques to treat the partner who has the anxiety and depression.
“When I am working with couples where one of the partners has anxiety and depression, I strongly encourage that person to seek individual therapy,” Katz said.
She said some couples cannot survive the difficulties of one person having anxiety and depression. Still others make it through — and even thrive. A lot depends on the response of the partner who is not suffering from a mental health issue.
“There is no specific technique used for everyone and every relationship, but communicating with your partner and taking time to do the things you love may help with coping,” Katz said.
Psychologist Alicia Clark wrote in a blog post that relationships can often cause anxiety. She said people don’t have to be diagnosed with anxiety to feel the symptoms. Many relationships add pressure and stress to one’s life.
She wrote, “Anxiety in relationships is common, especially if you are prone to worrying or a partner who doesn’t communicate clearly , anxiety will be part of your relationship, and that doesn’t necessarily make it a bad thing.”
About four or five months into her relationship with Malone, Moore knew she had to open up about her mental health.
“I think he could tell I dealt with anxiety and depression before I told him, but I don’t think he knew the extent of it,” she said. “Although my actual diagnose is moderate-severe depression and severe anxiety, I am high functioning, meaning that for the most part I can get through daily life. This makes it a little harder to read me or tell that I struggle.”
Malone said he had never experienced being in a relationship with someone dealing with mental health issues to the degree that Moore experiences, and it is learning curve to figure out how to help.
“Being in a relationship with someone suffering from mental health issues can be difficult,” Malone said. “Each day can present itself with new challenges. Whether it’s having to pick up a little extra slack at home, or not understanding why we are leaving the social gathering earlier than most, I always do what I can to make her feel as comfortable as I can.”
He explains that sometimes there is no way that he can help out other than to just let Moore have her space and take initiative in her own hands. This means letting Moore have personal time when she doesn’t feel overwhelmed.
“Even though it isn’t easy, I know it is a lot easier on me than it is on her,” he said. “The biggest learning curve for me personally was understanding that I am not always able to fix things or even help at all. I now know that sometimes she just needs to be left alone to clear her mind.”
While this may have been a difficult challenge for Malone to adapt to, he says he wouldn’t have it any other way.
“As daunting as it can sometimes be, it has really helped me become a more patient and understanding person, in addition to making our relationship and connection stronger as a whole,” Malone said. “I wouldn’t trade this relationship for anything, and hope I can continue to help where I can.”
Anastasia Merrill, a 22-year-old college student at Towson University, has also dealt with anxiety during relationships. At times, she has felt numb and had no sense of emotions. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what she was going through, but she felt empty and sad. Because of this, she stopped talking to her boyfriend.
“There have been times where I shut him out when I am feeling anxious instead of having him help,”Merrill said. “We would argue when we first met because he was trying to get close and it freaked me out. He was the first person I experienced it with and I couldn’t handle it by myself let alone with another person.
“He didn’t force anything and it just progressed naturally” Merrill said. “When he realized I was struggling he held on.”
Merrill said anger can take a toll on a relationship, including lashing out at her partner. However, she said her boyfriend has learned to respond in a healthy way.
“He’s learned space is something I need when I’m mad and taking it out on him,” she said. “He knows when I am starting to get anxious that I need physical touch — he supports me crying it out and doing what I have to do in the moment to feel better.”
Merrill said she has learned ways of coping with her mental health issues — including ways to feel at ease.
“We fall asleep a lot on FaceTime [together] because it helps me sleep especially if I have a bad moment,” Merrill said. “It was something he has never experienced being with someone who has anxiety, so it takes him wanting to always learn and figure out what I need him to do.”
Both Moore and Merrill agree that talking through problems with their partners helps.
“Being open to him and in general really helps,” Moore said. “When I can talk through my feelings, I feel much better and in turn minimizes tension.”
Merrill said she’s glad that she’s been able to sustain her relationship.
“Graduating in a few weeks has been the scariest feeling in my life and I think it’s important to realize people love you,” Merrill said. “I have people in my life that I know, know I’m not perfect but love me anyways.
“Being treated the way I do encourages me to treat myself that way as well,” she added. “Surrounding yourself with people who see you and being able to recharge and take some time to yourself.”