Mom says she lost her job after trying to protect transgender son

By Lauren MacNeill and Sarah Malik
Baltimore Watchdog Staff Writers

Nicola Van Kuilenburg has spent the better part of her life fighting for LGBTQ rights. But when the single mother used those advocacy skills to protect her transgender son last spring, she was fired from her job.

Van Kuilenburg, who worked for the Maryland State Education Association for more than four years representing the state’s teachers, is now worried that she could end up on the street as mounting bills have left her and her family only a few months away from homelessness.

“For the one day my claws came out and I said, ‘Back off, don’t do this to my kids,’ [people] are willing to celebrate me losing everything in my life,” Van Kuilenburg said.

The trouble began last spring when Van Kuilenburg asked officials at Oakdale High School in Frederick County to remove the word “tranny” from the school’s production of “Shrek the Musical.”

The term, which is slang for transgender, transvestite and transsexual, is generally agreed to be an offensive, derogatory word – and Van Kuilenburg thought it was inappropriate for it to be used in a high school production.

She was particularly concerned for her then 18-year-old transgender son James, who was planning to see the play until he and his family learned from a friend that the offensive term was being used.

“‘Tr*nny is a slur and a moniker of shame for my community,” James said in an email interview. “When I hear that word, I hear the voices of my bullies and attackers. It is a slur used to dehumanize, make fun of, and create shame for the transgender community.”

When Van Kuilenburg brought this to the attention of school officials, she said she was told that James “could just stay home.”

“We want every student to be successful, why should my son be prevented from seeing a play?” she said. “I just couldn’t believe that. It hurt me the most. I’ve tried to do so much for the LGBT community.”

The word was ultimately removed before the play opened to the public on April 19, but not before the teacher’s union terminated her on May 17 for, according to Van Kuilenburg, causing irrevocable harm to the school’s musical director.

MSEA Executive Director David Helfman said the union followed the proper procedure but could not comment on the specifics of the case.

“We have nothing to say on the issue,” Helfman said. “This is a personnel matter and personnel matters are confidential. We strongly disagree with the way this decision has been discussed.”

Dr. Cindy Gissendanner, the director of the LGBT studies at Towson University, said the word “tranny” was used by people who identify as transgender as a self-recognizing term but became offensive when those who are not transgender used it out of context.

“It became commonly used, and eventually became widely known as a derogatory term and said in offensive context by those who aren’t transgender,” Gissendanner said. “Cisgender people should not be using it. It is triggering for many trans people.”

A national survey by the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) has found that 75 percent of transgender youth feel unsafe at school and have significantly lower GPAs. Transgender student are also more likely to miss school out of concern for their safety and are less likely to plan on continuing their education, the GLSEN survey found.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 41 percent of transgender individuals will attempt suicide in their lifetime, 56 percent of which being trans-masculine.

Van Kuilenburg said she learned that the offensive term was being used in the play when a family friend saw a dress rehearsal of the production and contacted her. The self-proclaimed “mama bear” said she used her personal email account to contact Oakdale High School’s musical director, Michael Copen, and request the removal of the word from the production.

She also copied the school’s principal, Donna Clabaugh, Frederick County Title IX Officer Jamie Cannon, Director of Visual and Performing Arts Randy Rumpf, and Director of High Schools Kathleen Schlappel.

“It was an outstanding production,” Clabaugh said in response to the play. “I continue to be proud of the theater students at Oakdale High School, and the outstanding educators who work with our performers to teach, inspire and uplift.

Van Kuilenburg said she received a reply from Copen saying that the word was being used in an “empowering” way, a response that Van Kuilenburg and James described as shocking.

Copen did not respond for comment after several attempts to reach him.

“It all happened so fast,” said James, who is now a freshman at Dickenson College in Pennsylvania. “I remember telling my mom about the play, how I was thinking about going with my friends. Next, I was hearing about the t-slur being used. I told her I wasn’t comfortable going to the play anymore. I felt unsafe and knew that someone like me wouldn’t be welcomed in that crowd.”

Van Kuilenburg filed a grievance against the union, which will be heard by an arbitrator in December. She will argue that her termination was a wrongful dismissal because “the punishment didn’t fit the crime.”

She said she never attached her professional identity to the issue. By using her personal email, she said she acted as a parent and an individual, not as an employee. In addition, Van Kuilenburg said that she never asked for the musical director to be fired or reprimanded.
Van Kuilenburg said she did not receive severance and has been without salary since May 31. Since her termination, she has applied to “what seems like over 100 jobs,” but has only found work as a seasonal employee at Target. She works inconsistent hours and makes about $1,000 a month, she said.

The family has a GoFundMe that aims to raise money to sustain their lifestyle for as long as possible. They currently have $4,157 out of their $5,000 goal.

Van Kuilenburg said she has received a lot of support from others since the incident with the play. The family has even had people offer them a place to stay until they can get back on their feet.

“I have absolutely been blown away by the support that we’ve received all over the United States,” she said. “I get a lot of messages from people that have heard about what happened and cannot get their heads around it. That the response could be so extreme.”